Workspace redux

My boss has a tendency to hover around my cube. He is a large gentleman; about 6’5”, 210lbs. Loud as all hell. He seems to enjoy having discussions with the woman who sits directly facing me. I do not have a problem with this. HOWEVER, he likes to have these discussions either while standing at the end of my cube or standing directly IN my cube. So I have this behemoth of a dude just hanging out, thundering his opinions about FINRA this, IRA that, Institutional accounts whatever, right over my head while I am trying to work. Hell, it would be and is annoying when he does this when I don’t have jack to do. Its doubly infuriating when I’m busy. It makes me want to say, “STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY GOD DAMN CUBE BOSS-MAN!!”

So I tried it once. He actually had the audacity to defend himself. He said he likes standing there and that since I’m such a small person, I shouldn’t mind it so much. Yeah, I don’t mind. I don’t mind trying to throw something away and risking sexual molestation. I don’t mind answering the phone and talking into your ass. I don’t mind having my thoughts literally thundered out of my brain because of the cavernous echoes issuing from your great inner stomach depths! I don’t mind at all!!

Not in so many words, I expressed this. I even went the professional way and told him I couldn’t concentrate with him there. Again, to no avail. I was rebuffed. So I have had to endure his intrusions into my space. But it will stop. I have figured out a plan that will end this turmoil.

I will send a company memo out to all employees stating that I am officially changing the name of my work area from “cube” to “vagina”.

I do not expect anything to change other than the fact that henceforth, all references to my desk, cube, work station, etc. will be my vagina. If someone wants to drop off paperwork, they can leave it on my vagina. If someone wants to know where I am, I’m in my vagina. If someone complains about the papers and filing on my desk, I’ll tell them, “I’ll get around to cleaning my vagina next week sometime.”

And the best part will be that my boss will never stand in or around my cube again. The next time he attempts to violate my personal bubble with his never ending babble about nothing important, I will simply say,

“Please get out of my vagina immediately!”

or

“Please stop hovering around my vagina!”

or

“If you put any more of your junk in my vagina, I will be very angry!”

or

“You’re standing in my vagina and it makes me very uncomfortable. Please leave.”

That outta keep him the hell out of my way!